Overly (un)wired?

-‘The guy behind the post. Yeah, the one in the white shirt. See him now?’

-‘Oh yeah yeah, I do.. He really is muttering to himself, isn’t he?’

-‘Yeah, man! Nobody will even imagine, right? His nice shoes and cool glasses!’

Crazy? We used to know immediately. What else can you possibly call somebody in a tie screaming into the air – ‘You should have asked first, stupid!’

Now, not so fast. Chances are, his ears have a tiny metal clip clamped on. And no, he is not the Spock guy who wandered off the Star Wars film set. It just happens that hands-free bluetooth headset is the new thing. And it is here to stay, no matter how weird people are going to find it.

And weird it is. In the train, we find a guy smiling softly into space, his eyes all tender, speaking in a voice that is very gentle. Classic signs of romance, but – ‘Whom are you talking to?’, asks the lady sitting next to him, obviously freaked out.

This snaps the guy out of his sweet mood in which he is all by himself: he raises his eyebrows, points to his ears where he has a bluetooth headset clamped on, and continues the conversation like before, though somewhat terse.

The lady says ‘oh!’ and looks away embarrassed, but you know and sympathize with what the lady is feeling, because you have been wondering yourself.

Some poor souls have been the butt of bluetooth jokes too. Check this story:

‘Today, I was in the elevator with a girl I really liked. She suddenly asked, ‘So, do you want to come to my place and talk for sometime?’ I got all excited and shouted ‘YES!’. That was when the girl looked at me oddly, pointed to her bluetooth headset, and walked out of the elevator muttering’



‘It looks plain loony, no doubt about that’, says a friend of ours, consultant of an IT firm. ‘I had promised myself I will not get myself a wireless headset no matter how busy I get, but now I’m a fanboy’, he grins. ‘There simply came a point when it was either a simple hands-free headset, or certain death due to stress.’

What stress?

‘Heaps!’, explains a business owner we talked to. ‘I have to constantly cock the head to keep the cell in place while I juggle a hundred tasks. I cannot afford to miss calls and it is a problem when I drive. And on the rare occasion when I can hold the cell with my hand, I found out that my hand hurt. Real bad.’

That is Cellphone Elbow (aka Cubital tunnel syndrome) for you, folks! It happens when you damage the nerve in your hand by keeping it bent too long. Strain your hands for a while, and your pinkie and ring fingers start tingling. Strain it for too long, and you have just earned yourself probably permanent nerve damage.

Conclusion: bluetooth headsets are a bit weird, but it still acts as a lifesaver for a lot of people. Especially if you are a harried professional who could use your hands for a thousand other things other than holding a cellphone to your ear. But just in case, here are a few guidelines to get you by:

#2:
Train yourself to look straight ahead when you are talking. Do not make eye contact with anyone. Not unless you want to make them think you are talking to them, in which case, may the Force be with you!

#3:
In case someone stares too long, even after the reasonable period of time you have allowed them to figure out what you are doing, pretend to:

•  Tuck your hair behind your ears and give them a clear view of the headset (works if you are a woman)
•  Frown and fiddle with the headset and given them a clear view of the headset again (works irrespective of gender)
•  Ignore it completely (works like heck and is perhaps the best thing you should do)

#4:
Prepare and practise a gesture that indicates very clearly to your co-workers, friends, family, date and maybe even strangers that you are on call and yes, you have bluetooth headset on.

#5:
When you are talking on the wireless headset, know that other people can hear you when you are viciously cursing the stock market nosedive. Know that they can also see your expression when your partner tells you about the amount he just threw away on a bad deal. Going green? Can’t breathe? Gasping wildly? Let people know that it is not a heart-attack you are having. Not physical, anyway.

Thought we missed number 1? Nope! We just saved the best for the last.

#1:
The mother of all rules, the Holy Grail of an unwired user, the burden a bluetooth headset fan has to bear: know that a bluetooth headset is not for the cowards. You have to prepare yourself for ‘what a weirdo!’ looks and ominous muttering as you pass by. Learn the rule, and learn it well!

The closing story is by Darragh Jones, the Los Angeles Times journalist who tried to investigate how people view those who (apparently) talk to thin air. Winner, that one is:

Across Dupont Circle struts a debonair man, swinging his sunglasses all jaunty and confident.
‘All right,’ he's saying. ‘That's right.’ He looks like he's finishing up a business call and is about to spend the afternoon playing hooky. ‘Uh huh.’
We walk towards him, armed with questions on what he thinks about the wireless technology, then notice: there is no headset. He keeps talking. We back away.